If The Media Insists on Attacking Pete Buttigieg, Here’s a List From Me

Pete Buttigieg Attack

Dear Media: I know how badly you’d like to have some dirt on Pete Buttigieg, but you’re really scrubbing the bottom of the barrel. So to save you time, and me a headache, here’s a helpful list of every misdeed, transgression, error, lapse, booboo and oops-a-daisy mistake Mayor Pete has ever made in his entire life.

From using permanent markers on the whiteboard to wearing Hammer Pants in the 1990s, you’ll find it all here.

It’s my sincere hope you use this handy reference next time you come up empty.

(And I left #100 blank for anyone with suggestions)

Thank you.

  1. Occasionally wears mis-matched socks just to feel like a rule-breaker. 

  2. Dumps all the Lucky Charms into a giant bowl, fishes out the charms, and leaves Chasten the oat crud.

  3. Keeps trolling Amy Klobuchar by asking, “How do you spell your first name again?”

  4. Taught Buddy to keep his eye closed for sympathy.

  5. Discovered the upstairs remote can work on the downstairs tv, hides behind the couch and keeps turning off Wheel Of Fortune every time a confused Chasten turns it back on.

  6. Favorite Stooge is Shemp

  7. Yells out “Hail Malfoy!” in the middle of any movie just to see what the crowd does.

  8. Confuses local children by ordering them to get on his lawn.

  9. Asks the caloric content of every single item in the pastry case at Starbucks.

  10. Screws with the System Preferences on Lis Simth’s computer so it only types in Japanese.

  11. Waits until he sees his dry cleaning show up on the carousel, then jumps up and down excitedly, screaming, “There it is! There it is!”

  12. Switches the salt and the sugar before Chasten makes carrot cake

  13. Crank calls Sarah Palin in Alaska and asks, “May I speak to Santa?”

  14. Goes to Star Trek conventions and asks every fan, “Where’s Yoda?”

  15. Waits until the grocery clerk gives him his total before even beginning to look for his wallet, hunt for his card, and check his pockets for coupons.

  16. Favorite Golden Girl is Sophia’s sister.

  17. Highlights every line of every page in the book.

  18. Rides The Haunted Mansion and keeps yelling out, “That’s fake! That’s fake! That’s fake!”

  19. Snickers whenever someone on cable says says the word, “duty.”

  20. Insists America needs to have a Howard the Duck renaissance.

  21. Pushes every button in the elevator, then runs out at the last second.

  22. Sneaks out of bed super early the morning of Daily Savings Time and moves the clocks back an hour before Chasten does it later.

  23. Motions for the other car at the intersection to go first, then quickly accelerates and brakes just to freak them out.

  24. At Halloween, opens the door to little girls and says, “Geez. Another Elsa? I guess you’re not going for ‘Most Original'”

  25. Goes to art shows, looks at the art and then asks loudly, “Did they die before they finished this one?”

  26. When someone asks him, “can you give me a hand?,” claps and walks away.

  27. Stands outside The Country Bear Jamboree and tells kids, “Your parents lied. They are real, and they will eat you.”

  28. After Chasten shares a somber story at a cocktail party, leans in and adds, “It’s funnier when I tell it.”

  29. Pre-sets all the cards in the Candy Land game so the kid will lose.

  30. When watching the Laff-A-Lympics, roots loudly for the Really Rottens.

  31. Doesn’t buy Chasten actual birthday presents, instead gives him coupons for free “Pete Lovin'”

  32. Sneaks over to the tv of any house he’s visiting and turns on Closed Captioning.

  33. Indicates left, turns right.

  34. Likes to interject in conversation, “Don’t you think the Lannisters kinda got a bad rap?”

  35. Tells anyone who’ll listen, “I Love Lucy would have sucked without Mrs Trumbull.”

  36. Shakes up the soda can before bringing it to Lis.

  37. After stressful campaign strategy meetings, leaps up onto the table and screams, “Serenity Now!”

  38. Types e-mails in ALL CAPS.

  39. Tells Chasten it’s decaf when it isn’t.

  40. Keeps joking to Lis he’s narrowed his Attorney General pick down to either Urkel or Screech.

  41. Always showing off how he can sing “Bohemian Rhapsody” in Norwegian, Spanish, French, Italian, Maltese, Arabic, and Dari.

  42. Tells people SNL hasn’t been the same since Joe Piscopo left.

  43. Never fails to find it funny in an exasperating situation to yell out, “oh for my sake!”

  44. Keeps using the mathematical analysis techniques he developed at McKinsey to trick Chasten into letting him be the racecar in Monopoly.

  45. Endorses tinsel on the tree.

  46. On the escalator, stands right in the middle.

  47. Finishes the ice cream, puts back in the fridge with a note for Chasten reading, “There’s still cottage cheese.”

  48. Replies all.

  49. Takes calls from Nancy Pelosi on speakerphone while in line for coffee so everyone knows.

  50. Starts a sentence saying, “With all due respect…” then walks away.

  51. Eats kimchi in shared spaces.

  52. Violently shakes every present under the Christmas tree and then asks, “Is it a puppy?”

  53. Quotes Nellie Oleson.

  54. Swallows his gum.

  55. Keeps saying, “Is this your card? Is this your card?” until you finally say yes. Then says, “Tah-Dahhhhh!”

  56. Brags about his Reddit karma score.

  57. Only knows how to shuffle cards by spreading them all over the table, and collecting them up again.

  58. When offered a holiday cider, responds with, “I don’t even know her!”

  59. Put the discs from Season 5 of LOST into the box for Season 3 just to mess with Chasten’s head.

  60. Uses the Charlie Brown teacher voice when ordering at the drive-thru.

  61. Favorite Bond movie is “Diamonds Are Forever.”

  62. Tears the serrated blade out of the saran wrap box.

  63. Favorite Batman = Clooney

  64. Watches Press Your Luck, roots for Whammy.

  65. Still “pokes” everyone on Facebook.

  66. Writes “Wash me!” on every dirty car he passes.

  67. Every weekend, binge watches Arrested Development Season 4

  68. Sweeps leaves into the neighbors’ yard while they’re on vacation.

  69. When people ask him how to spell “Buttigieg” he replies, “Just like it sounds.”

  70. Hogs the karaoke machine.

  71. Favorite Muppet = Scooter

  72. Prefers “Home Alone 2” “Grease 2” and “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo”.

  73. Hides the Tupperware lids.

  74. Thinks birthday candles that keep lighting back up are comedy gold.

  75. Opens every policy discussion by saying, “As a guy with a hundred precent positive feedback on E-bay…”

  76. Drops gag plastic eyeballs into the soup

  77. Always roots for the most pitchy kid on Idol.

  78. Sends E-vites and forgets to include the date. Sends revised E-vite apologizing for forgetting to include the date, and forgets to include the date.

  79. Pinches all the candies in the See’s box, then says “never mind.”

  80. Laughs when the guy who’s been in Contestant’s Row for the whole show finally gets on stage for the last pricing game, and the prize is cookware.

  81. Trolls Lis by saying he plans to change the American symbol from bald eagle to the Cocoa Puffs bird.

  82. Favorite ride at Disneyland is the turnstile.

  83. Re-arranges all the apps on Chasten’s phone.

  84. Buys Hydrox on sale; tries telling you they’re as good as Oreos.

  85. Microwaves Peeps

  86. Rubs the numbers off the measuring spoons.

  87. Sends e-mails saying “OMG! Check This out!” followed by nothing.

  88. Changed all the artist names on Cory Booker’s iPod to “UNKNOWN”

  89. After watching each ending of Clue, yells out, “I knew it the whole time!”

  90. When people tell him they quit smoking cold turkey, laughs and says, “Why don’t you try smoking cigarettes?”

  91. Sent Joe Biden three Obama knuckle hairs and a Lego cloning machine.

  92. Tells people watching Citizen Kane for the first time, “Rosebud was his sled.”

  93. Subscribed Elizabeth Warren to 300 Publisher Clearing House magazines, and listed her as “Chanandler Bong”  

  94. Brags that Mayor McCheese owes it all to him.

  95. Invites everyone over to watch on his new 75 inch high-def Ultra 4K television, then plays home movies.

  96. After each debate, struts offstage, throws his arms out like Russell Crow and growls, “Are you not entertained?”

  97. Always gripes The Facts of Life was never as good after they took Tootie off the skates.

  98. Snaps fingers while watching The Munsters.

  99. Gets all self-righteous and says, “It’s New Year’s Eve, not New Year’s Steve!”


9 thoughts on “If The Media Insists on Attacking Pete Buttigieg, Here’s a List From Me

  1. 100. Thinks Fruit Roll-ups are the greatest thing since sliced bread. (P.S. Thanks for the spoiler, Gary. I’ve actually never seen “Citizen Kane.”)


  2. “Waits until the grocery clerk gives him his total”

    Says: my McKinsey algorithm predicted my purchase exactly right!


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